skepticism

everything is just about perfect in my life, except for one thing-my skepticism. the impending discomfort i feel in my stomach. a form of fear i wish not to keep record of, but it is always there. it's like waking up in the morning and realizing you dreamed a bad dream, except this time, it is real, and that itching feeling won't go away. the fault of knowing and being wrong vs not knowing/never knowing.

people getting married... i ask them "how do you know that person is right for you?" they respond "you just know." well how do you know things you don't really know? you don't or can't predict the rest of your life. or is it the trust and the commitments you make that keeps your world turning? is it what we choose to believe that keeps us going at the end of the day.

i hate knowing the truth because the truth sucks most of the time. but i hate not knowing even more.

or maybe it's that impending doom of memento mori. nothing ever lasts forever. nature, humans, anything that matters or brings joy lives shortly. the fact that you can never know and our society keeps pushing us into loving machines. it's bad as is and to have people like me be skeptical.

worst quality of mine. quite loathsome.

view life not in wins and losses but in terms of working towards something...and achieving towards something. kind of like ultimately finally reaching the top of the mountain.