always running

always running... and i never want to stop, because once i do, once the world stops turning, all my thoughts will turn to you. and all i will think of is the pain, the desperation, the weakness that defined me for the longest time.

always running.

i never want to stop. or else i'll scream and never want to stop. don't make me because i won't.

always running, never look back. always look forward. look for the next thrill or high, the moment that will make me feel like i'm alive and living in the moment. always keep moving and turning and turning. there's no time for self reflection, self thought of what i did wrong or right anymore. there's nothing i want more than to never pause, so i won't ever have to think. or feel pain anymore.

always running, always running.

let it be.

i'll see you when i see you.

to regret, or not to regret?

don't you ever wish you can go back in time, knowing what you know now, and change some of the things you did? it's easy for me to say yes, because there's many aspects of my life i wish i could change or make it better, but being stuck in it, i just sit there hopelessly, helplessly. i question, how did i even get here when this was never something i wanted?

yes. life goes on. it doesn't stop for anyone. life is most fair to all of us in that regard. you make a decision, time goes on relentlessly. wait, you didn't know what you were getting yourself into? well, too bad.

the thing is... i made all those decisions... thinking they were right at the time. i told myself this is what i wanted. funny cause sometimes when you get there you're like "?!" yea...

so what now? conclusion (1) i would not have come to this point in my life if i didn't make the decisions i have thus far. i would be a different person. so even if i made those other decisions, it could not have turned out the way i think it would be now, and i could have regretted not doing what i do now. conclusion (2) we measure life often times with what we don't have, or the "grass is greener on the other side." but how about measuring life with what we can't live without? i could live without many things, but there are many things now, whether it be people, tangible things, or traits about myself that i can't live without. those decisions i think i may have regretted led me to them.

i made those decisions because i know what i can't live without. i couldn't go to haverford because i couldn't live without knowing what it would have been like being at rutgers. of course we can live with anything, life does just go on. but imagine if i didn't make those decisions. the ones i couldn't live without.

maybe it's all wrong and backwards now. but it was right then. i couldn't live without it. i follow my heart because i don't know. i feel and go blindly, hoping always for the best. i can always end up being wrong, and for some things, it really feels that way. i don't ever mean to hurt or to offend. i only mean love.

if time has passed and you regret something now, just realize that there's still time to make it better. we're not supposed to live life knowing what will end up being the best for ourselves. we can only be ourselves and use our wisdom and hearts ...and hope for the best.

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

prisoner of my own mind

never was i the girl who didn't know she was doing. i was always two steps ahead, so i knew for sure i would never fall behind. until i finally got everything i wanted, i realized that maybe it wasn't everything i thought it would be. i convinced myself, "this is everything, everything i ever wanted." but the more i told myself, the more i noticed i was only lying to myself. i tried to keep it together, keep it going, and make my life the fairy tale it was supposed to be.

i thought this was what i wanted... but this is not what i want anymore.

question marks encircle me in a small square-box room, where i can't breathe, where i feel trapped. i have become the prisoner of my own mind, and the only person holding me back from leaving is myself.

i am afraid of what i don't know. of what life would be without everything i have right now, everything i've achieved and worked so hard for. but at the same time, a part of me knows it's not right anymore.

"Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole
Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound
But while you debate half empty or half full
It slowly rises, your love is going to drown"