"there and back again"

every person's dream:

(x) to travel the world

(x) to be a rebel

(x) to date the "cute" guy from your class

(x) to be well-liked & be cool (somewhat)

(x) to go to all those fancy parties

so what does it mean to say, been there, done that? why is there a marvel of the "unknown." so you hear very often there's no point in leaving your sense of home and comfort. you're just going to find yourself and realize you like what you started with to begin with. the prodigal son. what does it mean to lose yourself, the ones who are actually important around you, the things of value and make you who you are?

been there, done that. the dust of the "arts," the marvels of seeing "the world," "art's for art's sake." could i care less? or has it just become a part of me, and always be a part of who i am. i remember the fighting, the wanting to get out, the regret. the desperation. the hopelessness. wanting to die, wanting to live, and not being anything.

to live life at the edge... or to really let yourself go. that is living. i live life without regrets. i always go with a small backpack. i let few know/understand me, because i know i will never stay. the same friends and family who love you always will, and so will you.

all i am saying is i'm a bit sick of traveling and i'm ready to come home. a home that is a bit foreign to me now. after all the alienation, destruction that happened right under my nose. i am home, scarlette o'hara. i am home. there and back again, bilbo baggins. the bird that suddenly remembered where to fly to return back to it's mother's nest. i am home, and ready to continue my journey of life with my small backpack.

skepticism

everything is just about perfect in my life, except for one thing-my skepticism. the impending discomfort i feel in my stomach. a form of fear i wish not to keep record of, but it is always there. it's like waking up in the morning and realizing you dreamed a bad dream, except this time, it is real, and that itching feeling won't go away. the fault of knowing and being wrong vs not knowing/never knowing.

people getting married... i ask them "how do you know that person is right for you?" they respond "you just know." well how do you know things you don't really know? you don't or can't predict the rest of your life. or is it the trust and the commitments you make that keeps your world turning? is it what we choose to believe that keeps us going at the end of the day.

i hate knowing the truth because the truth sucks most of the time. but i hate not knowing even more.

or maybe it's that impending doom of memento mori. nothing ever lasts forever. nature, humans, anything that matters or brings joy lives shortly. the fact that you can never know and our society keeps pushing us into loving machines. it's bad as is and to have people like me be skeptical.

worst quality of mine. quite loathsome.

view life not in wins and losses but in terms of working towards something...and achieving towards something. kind of like ultimately finally reaching the top of the mountain.

pride

sitting and watching the minutes go by.
i don't want to give in.
i don't want to lose my pride.
i don't want to lose the battle i'm already losing.

 but all this waiting....all this love going to waste.

where is it going to go?

loving in vanity, loving in vanity.
all because of pride. all because of fear.

i'm losing the battle anyway.
it's not like i want to win.


...it's not like i ever did.

sherlock holmes

i remember being at the forefront of it all. the end of something and the beginning of something new. i remember the feeling of excitement, knocking on your door, and bringing forth the brand new news of the day. we uncovered my life together each day. it was like a fun unsolved case, and i was the principle detector, unraveling the mystery of what was going to happen next. i didn't know what was going to happen next, but i was such a risk taker. i didn't care what was going to happen to me. i was reckless, i suppose. i didn't care that there was no rules. i made up the rules as we went along. i just went with it. we laughed. and on certain odd days, i would cry. i was a complete mess on certain days. but it was all a part of it. the best part of it was not knowing and having only a suspicion of what would happen next. following the facts, or perhaps just pure whim, and going ahead with it. walking ahead with no regrets. and now may i add, the best part of it all was that i was not alone. you were the best accomplice.

and now those days has dissolved into the past.

now i know where the story goes. now i know what i only had suspicions about before. i reached the limits of what others told me i couldn't do all along. and here i am now.

isn't that the best feeling? to follow your instincts, to be right, and to finally unravel that mystery you've been working on for so long? but then what happens after? what do i do with it now, sherlock holmes?