1 am thoughts

i think i have such a hard time letting things go... because i'm much of an idealist. i create such high standards for myself and the people/world around me. things that are just obvious to me are not even within the radar of other people. it makes me look foolish and begins to take away from the perfect world i created. perhaps i am finally meeting reality and that things just are, and i have to just let things go. is that such a bad thing? "you have to grow up some day" is what they say. or am i just surrounded by people/things who are too different from me. am i the crazy one? or is the world crazy? i always thought the world was crazy but looking at myself now, i'm not too far from crazy. it's because i fight for what i believe in, work hard for what i want to achieve, and love without borders. maybe i am crazy and people like me don't belong in this world.

on the other side of the coin, i really have to question what constitutes the morals, rights/wrongs of my idealistic world. is this just my perfect world that i expect other people to understand? perhaps i am just an encrypted book. how can i expect someone who didn't see me grow up to know and truly understand the contents of my mind?

the reality is that friendship isn't hard. being true isn't that hard. but dealing with someone every day in a relationship is challenging because unless you grew up in the same household, neighborhood, or high school, there is bound to be so many differences. so many points for arguments. and two people are just going to stand there tugging at a war that was pretty silly to begin with. it's better to have an open mind. it's better to keep your heart open. it's ok to be hurt here and there. if you stand for what you believe in and love without borders, you're going to have to take risks, and let the petty things go. you also have to always put yourself in other people's shoes. life isn't just a sailboat going from point a to point b, and then c and d. it's full of colors, expressions, passions, pain, misery that makes you the most beautiful things God created- human.

and the last thing i have to say... if you're not cherishing your life and celebrating your life each day, then you're not living. yea there's things you have to get done everyday but it's the choice you made to have those things in there, because at some point you thought it would enrich your life somehow. life is hard work, whatever decision you make. but nothing of value comes with ease. work hard, be true, be loyal, stand up for what you believe in, and love without borders. love life. love each day.

"there and back again"

every person's dream:

(x) to travel the world

(x) to be a rebel

(x) to date the "cute" guy from your class

(x) to be well-liked & be cool (somewhat)

(x) to go to all those fancy parties

so what does it mean to say, been there, done that? why is there a marvel of the "unknown." so you hear very often there's no point in leaving your sense of home and comfort. you're just going to find yourself and realize you like what you started with to begin with. the prodigal son. what does it mean to lose yourself, the ones who are actually important around you, the things of value and make you who you are?

been there, done that. the dust of the "arts," the marvels of seeing "the world," "art's for art's sake." could i care less? or has it just become a part of me, and always be a part of who i am. i remember the fighting, the wanting to get out, the regret. the desperation. the hopelessness. wanting to die, wanting to live, and not being anything.

to live life at the edge... or to really let yourself go. that is living. i live life without regrets. i always go with a small backpack. i let few know/understand me, because i know i will never stay. the same friends and family who love you always will, and so will you.

all i am saying is i'm a bit sick of traveling and i'm ready to come home. a home that is a bit foreign to me now. after all the alienation, destruction that happened right under my nose. i am home, scarlette o'hara. i am home. there and back again, bilbo baggins. the bird that suddenly remembered where to fly to return back to it's mother's nest. i am home, and ready to continue my journey of life with my small backpack.

skepticism

everything is just about perfect in my life, except for one thing-my skepticism. the impending discomfort i feel in my stomach. a form of fear i wish not to keep record of, but it is always there. it's like waking up in the morning and realizing you dreamed a bad dream, except this time, it is real, and that itching feeling won't go away. the fault of knowing and being wrong vs not knowing/never knowing.

people getting married... i ask them "how do you know that person is right for you?" they respond "you just know." well how do you know things you don't really know? you don't or can't predict the rest of your life. or is it the trust and the commitments you make that keeps your world turning? is it what we choose to believe that keeps us going at the end of the day.

i hate knowing the truth because the truth sucks most of the time. but i hate not knowing even more.

or maybe it's that impending doom of memento mori. nothing ever lasts forever. nature, humans, anything that matters or brings joy lives shortly. the fact that you can never know and our society keeps pushing us into loving machines. it's bad as is and to have people like me be skeptical.

worst quality of mine. quite loathsome.

view life not in wins and losses but in terms of working towards something...and achieving towards something. kind of like ultimately finally reaching the top of the mountain.

pride

sitting and watching the minutes go by.
i don't want to give in.
i don't want to lose my pride.
i don't want to lose the battle i'm already losing.

 but all this waiting....all this love going to waste.

where is it going to go?

loving in vanity, loving in vanity.
all because of pride. all because of fear.

i'm losing the battle anyway.
it's not like i want to win.


...it's not like i ever did.

sherlock holmes

i remember being at the forefront of it all. the end of something and the beginning of something new. i remember the feeling of excitement, knocking on your door, and bringing forth the brand new news of the day. we uncovered my life together each day. it was like a fun unsolved case, and i was the principle detector, unraveling the mystery of what was going to happen next. i didn't know what was going to happen next, but i was such a risk taker. i didn't care what was going to happen to me. i was reckless, i suppose. i didn't care that there was no rules. i made up the rules as we went along. i just went with it. we laughed. and on certain odd days, i would cry. i was a complete mess on certain days. but it was all a part of it. the best part of it was not knowing and having only a suspicion of what would happen next. following the facts, or perhaps just pure whim, and going ahead with it. walking ahead with no regrets. and now may i add, the best part of it all was that i was not alone. you were the best accomplice.

and now those days has dissolved into the past.

now i know where the story goes. now i know what i only had suspicions about before. i reached the limits of what others told me i couldn't do all along. and here i am now.

isn't that the best feeling? to follow your instincts, to be right, and to finally unravel that mystery you've been working on for so long? but then what happens after? what do i do with it now, sherlock holmes?

always running

always running... and i never want to stop, because once i do, once the world stops turning, all my thoughts will turn to you. and all i will think of is the pain, the desperation, the weakness that defined me for the longest time.

always running.

i never want to stop. or else i'll scream and never want to stop. don't make me because i won't.

always running, never look back. always look forward. look for the next thrill or high, the moment that will make me feel like i'm alive and living in the moment. always keep moving and turning and turning. there's no time for self reflection, self thought of what i did wrong or right anymore. there's nothing i want more than to never pause, so i won't ever have to think. or feel pain anymore.

always running, always running.