freedom

freedom to me is not just about having the time to do what you want, escaping to a remote island, or dissociating yourself from the pollutions of society. 

freedom is the morning dew in the morning, 

right before the sun comes up, 

the refreshed feeling of a new day, 

a new start to create the palette of colors you want to paint your day with. 

freedom is independence of mind, body, and thought 

from the mainstream of society, 

and to follow your own path. 

freedom is to know your point of view, 

and keep it strong until your grave. 

no one can take that away.

freedom is to have the ability to be one of the crowd and to be solitude, 

all at the same time. 

to be fused and unfused, 

to be fully integrated without losing yourself. 

freedom is expertise in what you love and being a mastermind at it,

living and breathing who you are 

and carrying your points of views,

until you transform it into art; a masterpiece.

currently, i am still in training. i know my point of view, but my craftsmanship is far from where it needs to be before i can completely be complacent. whatever it ends up being, i still live for this dream, and to transcend my passion and point of view into art.

New era

New perspectives

Being a student all my life felt like forever, especially towards the end of medical school. Starting residency has brought a change in my life. Spending 11 hours a day on average, 6 days a week in the hospital, has really made me reconsider the way I view life. The luxuries I had before- personal time- is just not there anymore. The time for reflection, analysis of almost everything in life just doesn't exist anymore. It's more about waking up, filling myself up with as much taylor ham and whole wheat toast I can gobble down my throat, filling my cup with keurig coffee, and off to work. My whole day revolves around patients and everything I'm going to do from them the second they come into the door and out. Soon before I know it, it's late afternoon and time to take off for home.

Home- a nice place for quiet and peace. I always underestimated how wonderful it is to live in a beautiful, safe, and quiet place. It used to be more about being and living in the middle of everything, filling life with excitement from left to right. As wonderful as those things were, it's nice to come home to solitude. It used to be about exploring, now it's more about survival and comfort. And what happens at night? Loads of sleep, chilling with my sister Karen, and lots of dinner dates with girlfriends and shoving cake down my throat.

In short, I love it just as much as the adventurous, idealistic and Romantic life I lived before. Yes, I do feel shoved into the harshness of reality, but I do feel like I am learning a lot and it's incredibly exciting to be in medicine. I've become somewhat even more isolated than I already have, but I don't feel that my friends and family are any further than they were when I was a fourth year medical student. Those who love you and whom you love will find you somehow, whether it's through simple gestures like text, email, or really going out of your way to see them in person. Less time also means less garbage, as in my case. I could say things get frustrating, but I can never complain how fortunate or lucky I am to be where I am, doing what I do, and being surrounded by the most incredible people. 

1 am thoughts

i think i have such a hard time letting things go... because i'm much of an idealist. i create such high standards for myself and the people/world around me. things that are just obvious to me are not even within the radar of other people. it makes me look foolish and begins to take away from the perfect world i created. perhaps i am finally meeting reality and that things just are, and i have to just let things go. is that such a bad thing? "you have to grow up some day" is what they say. or am i just surrounded by people/things who are too different from me. am i the crazy one? or is the world crazy? i always thought the world was crazy but looking at myself now, i'm not too far from crazy. it's because i fight for what i believe in, work hard for what i want to achieve, and love without borders. maybe i am crazy and people like me don't belong in this world.

on the other side of the coin, i really have to question what constitutes the morals, rights/wrongs of my idealistic world. is this just my perfect world that i expect other people to understand? perhaps i am just an encrypted book. how can i expect someone who didn't see me grow up to know and truly understand the contents of my mind?

the reality is that friendship isn't hard. being true isn't that hard. but dealing with someone every day in a relationship is challenging because unless you grew up in the same household, neighborhood, or high school, there is bound to be so many differences. so many points for arguments. and two people are just going to stand there tugging at a war that was pretty silly to begin with. it's better to have an open mind. it's better to keep your heart open. it's ok to be hurt here and there. if you stand for what you believe in and love without borders, you're going to have to take risks, and let the petty things go. you also have to always put yourself in other people's shoes. life isn't just a sailboat going from point a to point b, and then c and d. it's full of colors, expressions, passions, pain, misery that makes you the most beautiful things God created- human.

and the last thing i have to say... if you're not cherishing your life and celebrating your life each day, then you're not living. yea there's things you have to get done everyday but it's the choice you made to have those things in there, because at some point you thought it would enrich your life somehow. life is hard work, whatever decision you make. but nothing of value comes with ease. work hard, be true, be loyal, stand up for what you believe in, and love without borders. love life. love each day.

"there and back again"

every person's dream:

(x) to travel the world

(x) to be a rebel

(x) to date the "cute" guy from your class

(x) to be well-liked & be cool (somewhat)

(x) to go to all those fancy parties

so what does it mean to say, been there, done that? why is there a marvel of the "unknown." so you hear very often there's no point in leaving your sense of home and comfort. you're just going to find yourself and realize you like what you started with to begin with. the prodigal son. what does it mean to lose yourself, the ones who are actually important around you, the things of value and make you who you are?

been there, done that. the dust of the "arts," the marvels of seeing "the world," "art's for art's sake." could i care less? or has it just become a part of me, and always be a part of who i am. i remember the fighting, the wanting to get out, the regret. the desperation. the hopelessness. wanting to die, wanting to live, and not being anything.

to live life at the edge... or to really let yourself go. that is living. i live life without regrets. i always go with a small backpack. i let few know/understand me, because i know i will never stay. the same friends and family who love you always will, and so will you.

all i am saying is i'm a bit sick of traveling and i'm ready to come home. a home that is a bit foreign to me now. after all the alienation, destruction that happened right under my nose. i am home, scarlette o'hara. i am home. there and back again, bilbo baggins. the bird that suddenly remembered where to fly to return back to it's mother's nest. i am home, and ready to continue my journey of life with my small backpack.

skepticism

everything is just about perfect in my life, except for one thing-my skepticism. the impending discomfort i feel in my stomach. a form of fear i wish not to keep record of, but it is always there. it's like waking up in the morning and realizing you dreamed a bad dream, except this time, it is real, and that itching feeling won't go away. the fault of knowing and being wrong vs not knowing/never knowing.

people getting married... i ask them "how do you know that person is right for you?" they respond "you just know." well how do you know things you don't really know? you don't or can't predict the rest of your life. or is it the trust and the commitments you make that keeps your world turning? is it what we choose to believe that keeps us going at the end of the day.

i hate knowing the truth because the truth sucks most of the time. but i hate not knowing even more.

or maybe it's that impending doom of memento mori. nothing ever lasts forever. nature, humans, anything that matters or brings joy lives shortly. the fact that you can never know and our society keeps pushing us into loving machines. it's bad as is and to have people like me be skeptical.

worst quality of mine. quite loathsome.

view life not in wins and losses but in terms of working towards something...and achieving towards something. kind of like ultimately finally reaching the top of the mountain.

pride

sitting and watching the minutes go by.
i don't want to give in.
i don't want to lose my pride.
i don't want to lose the battle i'm already losing.

 but all this waiting....all this love going to waste.

where is it going to go?

loving in vanity, loving in vanity.
all because of pride. all because of fear.

i'm losing the battle anyway.
it's not like i want to win.


...it's not like i ever did.